Thoughts on becoming a mom

Tomorrow Caden will be one month old and I have become a different person. I am no longer just Casey, or Chris' wife, or 'teacher', I am Mommy and more importantly I am Caden's mommy. As a mommy I feel at best woefully inadequate and at worst totally inept. I haven't been able to learn what cry means what. I have no idea if he is crying because he is hungry or if he just wants to be held. I do know when he is crying because he has to poop because that cry includes lots of grunting and straining. I still go through a mental checklist when he cries. I try to hold him and calm him first, then try a pacifier, then try feeding or some variation thereof. I know when he is hungry if he isn't crying. He makes this face and he turn his face to the nearest body part on whoever is holding him and tries to eat it. If I am holding him he grabs my shirt and mouths all over my chest. If his face is beside mine he tries to eat my chin. They say you should be able to tell what their cries are but I just can't. I have to look at other things he does. Sometimes when I am in the shower, he starts crying and I come out and he has this look on his face that tells me he just wants to be held. He didn't know where I was and he wants me. I know he doesn't like to be alone. He likes physical closeness which is weird because I am not a touchy feely person and neither is Chris. And yet as much as I don't like to be constantly touched I don't mind being with Caden. Yes, sometimes I wish he would let me put him down when he isn't sleeping so that I can get some things done around the house but that isn't the case usually. If he is awake he wants to be held or very close to me or his dad. I also have to admit to feeling jealous when other people hold him. It really doesn't matter who it is. I know it is silly so I just ignore it. Of course other people want to hold him. He is beautiful. ( The jealousy isn't so bad if he is crying and someone else wants to him...but if he stops crying when they hold him after screaming while I was holding him it only makes me feel more incompetent. Yes, I understand the irrationality of feeling like that but it is how I feel and I need to express it..) I never thought there would be nights that I would willingly sacrifice a good nights sleep to a babies comfort. I know you aren't supposed to sleep with your baby but sometimes the only way he will sleep is with me. So I sleep very lightly and Caden sleeps. I never thought I would be so proud of how much milk my body can produce. I never thought I would have running jokes and commentaries about my child breastfeeding. I always thought I would hate it and in a way I do (I feel like a cow.) but I could not imagine taking it away from Caden right now. You should see his face when its time to eat. Pleasure doesn't even begin to describe it. He gets this gleeful, happy look on his face and when he is done he looks almost drunk with pleasure and satisfaction. How could anyone want to take that away from anyone? I never imagined that I would be so frustrated with my husband when he says, "have you tried the pacifier?" when Caden is crying inconsolably. (I already feel incompetent enough without your advice.) (That is what I say in my head.) Even with all these contradictory feelings I am happy that I am Caden's mommy and I love him.