Caden's first day at daycare...

I suppose day was a right of a passage for me, as a parent, and Caden too. Today, I took him to daycare. I left him in the care of total strangers to both of us for 8 and 1/2 hours. And we somehow survived it. Although I believe my conscious is a little worse for the wear. I know that I survived daycare and turned out pretty spectacularly, if I do say so myself and I have always used that as a justification for why daycare isn't so terrible...and yet somehow it is different when it is my child.
I have been extremely fortunate because Caden did not have to go to daycare until today, 8 days shy of 6 months old. He was lovingly cared for by family when I had to go back to teaching all my other kiddoes. I did not cry or worry at all about him then. I knew he was safe and sound at home with people who loved him whether he was screaming with colic or smiling and cooing. At home he has been the only baby and the sole receiver of attention. Case in point...last time I went to visit my family in Dallas I walked in the door with Richard's dog and Caden, both of whom were whisked away and hugged and greeted immediately while I was just sort of ignored. ( Much to my surprise I find myself not at all upset by this occurance. In fact, I simply enjoyed watching how much Caden is adored by his grandparents. However, Richard, I am more important than the dog!)
Today that all came to an end. He went to daycare. When I dropped him off there were babies crying because their bottles were being warmed up and arms were already full of other babies crying. Caden sat down in the midst of all that and just looked at another little girl baby with a little worried expression that mostly seemed to say, "hmmm...I'm not sure about this but if you're okay I guess I'll be okay." I left him sitting there. I tried to say good-bye to him but he wouldn't look at me so I told him I would be back and went to the car where I shed my tears without him having to see. (He shouldn't know how hard that was for me. I didn't want him to be upset too.) I called my husband who didn't seem at all perturbed by this but I think it is because he didn't have to do it. I called my dad and asked him if I was a bad mother for leaving my son. He said no, that it is just the economic reality of our times. I talked to my mom and she said imagine how hard it was to leave you (me) at 6 weeks. I don't want to imagine. Leaving Caden was hard enough. I got to my meeting and talked with my teacher friends their who all commiserated with me and I called the daycare to check on him at our first break. But low and behold as the day past I found myself involved in the meeting and thinking of Caden less. Not that I wasn't thinking of him but I wasn't actively worrying about him. I know Chris and I picked a daycare with an exemplary reputation. They won't let him come to any intentional harm. At least they don't have a bed to put him on that he can roll off and bang his head on the floor which happened to him with me watching him. He can play and interact with other children close to his age and begin that extremely long and difficult process of becoming a individualized, socialized, well-adjusted person. At the end of my meeting though I found myself so excited to be headed to pick Caden up. I can't remember the last time that I was truly excited about seeing Caden. He always makes me happy and he always makes me smile but really overall our time together this summer has become more routine. We play and talk with each other but not really with our sole attention. But when I got to daycare and I walked into his class the first person I saw was my little baby boy trying to crawl on the floor. He was all wrapped up in some colorful scarfs trying to figure out the crawling thing. I just had to sit down and watch him. I watched him until he finally noticed me and then I got a great smile. A smile that said, "Woah, Mom, when did you get here? Glad to see you. Didn't really notice you weren't here but now that you are back I am happy." (I know his facial expressions say a lot.) It still wasn't the smile he gives his Dad when his Dad comes home from work but it was enough. We came home and I got the most wonderful, big, sloppy, huge, Caden kisses. We played together and had a big dinner and a bath. I watched him play and he seemed more curious and more intent on toy. He really seemed to be trying to puzzle it out. Now is he really more curious than yesterday or am I just taking the time to notice because I missed him today? I don't know the answer but whichever it is cannot be bad. If he is more curious then great. If I am a more observant parent because I missed him then that may even be better. Now my little boy is passed out sound asleep and has been for the last hour.
Now, I think that maybe daycare is not so bad. It gives me the time I need to be an adult and it allows me to appreciate the time I do have with Caden even more. I do still worry that his development will slow down because he isn't the only one receiving attention but then again maybe it will accelerate even more because of all the experiences and stimulation he can receive that I cannot give him one on one at home. I suppose I will just have to continue to take this one day at a time. I know he will be okay and after all of this I am okay too. I just needed to write out my thoughts and feelings. Here he is passed out after a long first day of school.